A healthy bit of fear

I'm not a fan of a lot of the posts that seem to float around the travel blog world (really the Internet in general) that are lists.
"Ten ways travel will change you." "Top 15 places to see before you die." 

It seems really popular to put together these relatively general lists that are just specific enough that we are stoked when we identify with them. (Don't get me wrong, I'm just as stoked as the next person when I read one and think "OMG they know me!) But it seems to me that they are devoid of personal stories, personal growth/reflection or practical information. Generally that's what I'm reading most blog's for.

"But something clicked. I did not want to feel this way anymore, filled with fear. For me, in order to finally let go of my fears, I had to accept death. I had to be ok with dying. Today. Because if you can accept death, you can surely accept a bad day. You can accept a bout of sickness. You can accept the times when life isn’t going your way. And you can accept being in situations that make you scared."

I've never actually met the author of this blog, but I was Facebook introduced to her by a mutual friend, and it has been really nice to follow her travels and pictures. She's given up the cubicle life and intends to work and travel forever. We seem to have similar mindsets about at least a few things. Recently I was riding in a tiny packed minivan going a bit too fast through the windy countryside of Laos at night. We drove by a truck that had clearly been in a nasty head-on collision, so of course the conversation between the westerners in the van turned to collisions. After I made sure that my seat belt was buckled, I found myself thinking of Anna's post.

Vang Vieng, Laos

A couple of days before I left for this trip, I found myself terrified. Freaking terrified. A good friend of mine who had done some traveling had asked me a few times over the summer "has it hit you yet?" And I always felt like my trip was a ways off. I made it through quitting my job and moving back to Washington with tons of confidence. Even when I was at the store shopping for it. I got some nerves when I bought my plane tickets, but that felt much more like a fear of commitment. A feeling I'm not a stranger to.  But then when it hit me, it really hit me. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Most of the time I'm either stressed about something tangible I can work on (and complain about), I've forgotten to eat and I'm hangry, or it's something a nice nap can take care of. With this, there was nothing to work on, I didn't need to eat, and I was too nervous to nap (I know right).  

  You're leaving. To another country. Like, incredibly far away. And incredibly different. Your friends are getting married, getting promotions, buying houses. Shouldn't you be doing that? Why is it that you can't?

  It was never a fear like I regretted my decision or didn't want to be going. I've known for a long time that this is what I want to do. It was just this totally irrational fear of the unknown that manifested itself in the pit of my stomach and held on quite tightly. But then, as I said my goodbyes and headed to the airport filled with love and encouragement, the nerves relaxed. I had a big glass of red wine, and I slept the first seven hours of my flight. Pretty soon I was in Bangkok getting a tour of the area from a friend from university, and there was no fear to be felt.

Village near Luang Namtha, Laos

Four months in, I still get a tingling of nerves when crossing into a new country, but I now know that it's only a healthy amount that comes with entering entirely new territory. I've started to get some pangs where I wish I could teleport to an event (like a Super Bowl party in the States) or bring someone to Asia to share something with them. I do find my thoughts drifting to things I'm doing this summer in the US more than I thought that I would. I'm guessing by the end of the next four months, I'll be both excited to come back to the US and very sad to leave Asia.

The point I'm trying to make is that even though I'm bumping around on sketchy buses in countries with poor safety records and decent(at best) medical care, this is definitely where I want to be. I don't find myself worrying too much about the windy roads or the sketchy medical care or getting a weird stomach thing from food. Because accepting things like this makes being in countries like this a lot easier. The simple act of traveling doesn't feel like I'm pushing myself painfully far outside my comfort zone. Or wearing myself down. It feels much more natural than I expected it to. I don't feel like I can use the words easy or normal, but hopefully you get the picture. 

People, their lives, and their kind hearts continue to surprise me at every turn.  I think sometimes with fear it's healthy to listen to your gut (especially spiders), but sometimes what comes out the other side when you face fear head on will be quite awesome.

Nom nom.